And like usual, I am proven wrong in my cynicism. Thank God.

I woke up to my brother calling, then telling my mom he woke me up and telling her to call me.
She calls and sings to me...
"A turkey sat on a backyard fence and sang a sad, sad song...
Thanksgiving Day is coming, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,
And I know I'll be eaten soooo-ooo-ooo-ooon!
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
I would like to run awa-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
I don't like Thanksgiving Da-a-ay!"
I love that woman. She makes me giggle.
Then, up, walk and feed dog, veg, go to work at 12...
Worked all day in the dog daycare giving extra lurve to the dogs because they are all stuck here for the holiday.
After a full day of work, one of my most delightful coworker/friends came all the way from the suburbs to bring me a plate of her Thanksgiving dinner with family.
How. Thoughtful.
Unbelievable.
Just because she knows I am without loved ones.
And then, it was really Thanksgiving.
Thanks Shannon. Thanks dogs.
Happy Thanksgiving.

'Twas Thanksgiving Eve, and all through the town...

It is almost my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. You know the one where you see family, eat amazing family recipes, and get hugs?
I spent last year with my ex's family, and then we saw mine, so that was fine.
This year, I will be alone here in New Orleans, and working. Because my family is far away, because I work in retail, because Dreaded Ex and I aren't together, so his family isn't mine to share.
Now, this ain't no pity party, so don't go there. I am introspective, self-aware, weirdly calm.
It is a learning experience.
One I don't plan to repeat.
I am so blue not to see all my cousins and my cousins' children, to miss out on the leaves turning and falling in North Georgia, to not help my mom defrost frozen broccoli for her famous and adored broccoli casserole.
To not say a prayer of thanks while holding the same hands I have held since I was just a little girl, in a circle of grace with my kinfolk.
There won't be late evening card games and stolen pumpkin pie for me, just another lonely night in New Orleans with my wonderful companion Roux the dog.
I am certain that this holiday season won't go easy, that I will shed a tear or ten.
It is different being far from loved ones when you have a significant other. I spent the last two holiday seasons with him, another reason this will be tough.
This was a hard year, no lie. Many things have happened to rattle, jar, and wound me.
I almost can't wait for the clock to change to 2010.
But for now, I will work, and wait to see the ones I love again. I can't make time move faster.
I will help my customers as they rush in and out on their way to better places, and I will make my plans for the time when I am home again, for good.
And I will have this to hold on to: It will never be this bad again.

Watch it, I bite.

It is so annoying to feel so annoyed!
I wish I was hopeful or joyous or pleased about one big thing in life, whether it is a great relationship, a great job, or a great new home.
I am so transitional right now that all I want to do is be Surls McGee.
Queen Cranky of the Pissy Brigade.
I am headed home to my friends, family, and very happy to be doing that, but it will only last a few days...
then back to my reality here.
The one that makes me so damn irritable.
I need a helping hand to get back on track, but there is no one but me to really rely on.
And I am not feeling too strong right now...

A bad romance...

Lady Gaga says it best...
"I want your love and I want your revenge.You and me could write a bad romance..."
After the absolute JOKE that is this last end of all the ends, I am riled up and ready to jump out of my skin.
I want it all, which I think it totally fine. Life is more chaotic than even I, taker of all kinds of weird, can handle.
The Dreaded Ex has gone completely missing after a week of silence.

Let me preface this section with: I live with a crazy person.
After DE and I broke up, I moved quite quickly into a new place with a girl that has two dogs.
Seemed ideal...like most doomed things do.
She has a fiance/ex fiance/boyfriend/ex boyfriend/crazy person she is with...let's call him Lurch.
So, CrazyPills and Lurch have been falling apart for a while, before I even lived with her.
Lurch, in all his Lurchiness, decides it is a WONDERFUL idea to come our house at 3:45 a.m. CST about 3 weeks ago, and bang on the SIDE OF THE HOUSE, calling her names that I won't lower myself to print and demanding his "$12,000 ring" back.
He finally leaves, leaving in his wake a very chapped me with my freaked out vibrating dog, as well as CP who is shocked into what once might call, momentary catatonic silence. I mention restraining orders.
Five minutes later, the doorbell rings. Oh, HELLO, NOPD.
The NOPD have been called on a noise complaint thanks to that moron Lurch, but their main concern is that my little 43-lb mutt is too close, so they threaten to TASE HIM. Like you do, when you see a small, sniffy dog on his owner's porch. And you have a gun. And he isn't barking. But I digress.
So this happens.
Two days later, they are on the phone screaming at about 11:00 p.m., and I finally hear CP hang up and go into the bathroom.
I quietly walk out for a glass of water...and surprise!
VOODOO RITUAL IN THE LIVING ROOM...complete with white candles and a doll.
I ran back into my room and prayed to my dear baby Jesus.
So, at this point I am thinking, perhaps I need to find a new home...one for me and Roux alone...
Meanwhile, Dreaded Ex has been trying to prove his love and worth to me, be there for me, etc...and has gone to Chicago for business.
This week was week two of him being gone, and he came back Thursday night. Or so I think. Who really knows.
So, let's jump back to Sunday to clarify.
I ran errands in the morning sunshine, groceries and pet store, as it was my only day off, and came home to a porch covered in boxes...I figured CP was cleaning...what a nice change.
Walked into the house, put my groceries down, and went to put my comforter in the wash. You know, adult responsible behaviors we are forced to do on our days off instead of swinging on swings and reading in trees.
And in the moment I lifted the comforter into the wash, my heart went -------- BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!!!!!!!! Loud and fast and intense and hard and too much and I can't breathe right and I am shaking and tunneling out...
921, 941, 911! Got it.
Calling. Ringing. Answering. "New Orleans Emergency Services, what is your emergency?"
"I am experiencing extreme tachycardia, I am 29 years old, have taken no illicit substances, no alcohol, no caffeine, I have Mitral Valve Prolapse and anxiety disorder and I need someone to come here right now."
"Address please ma'am"
"**** State Street" (is that my address I can't remember OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO DIE ON MY FLOOR)
"Repeat to confirm"
"**** State Street" (that IS my address, oh please, oh please heart don't do this to me now please God please)
"Phone number please"
"404-***-****" (that is NOT my phone number they will never find me i will die on the damn floor without my momma)
"Repeat to confirm"
"404-***-****" (ok that is my number calm down amanda just breathe just keep breathing)
I start coughing and crying, flexing my stomach and forcing slow breaths doing all the Valsalva manuevers I can muster and remember and nothing is working...
"Ma'am I need you to sit down, don't eat and don't drink anything. They are on the way."
I sit. I breathe. She makes me count my beats...
"Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelve..."
(That is about 197 beats per minute. My normal rate is about 80. We are talking serious business here.)
That rate is fast enough to set it to wiggling and shaking, then STOPPING. Like when a person does cocaine, and dies just as high as a kite. Same essential issue. Too fast to work.
Firemen at the door, dog put up, me on couch.
Blood pressure cuff on, big hands on my wrists, calming male tones in my ears, tears on my face.
Days later (or just minutes no idea) ambulance. Heart monitor on my chest, its plastic nodules digging into my skin in eight places.
I am fine at this point, as these episodes, though years apart for me and drawn out by extreme stress, last only minutes.
Though it feels like days of my life have passed, it has only been 15 minutes since I put the laundry in. My spinach is wilting on the kitchen floor. The dog is still barking in my room "Who is here? Who is here?"
The lovely and helpful paramedics then notice a cat on the porch on their way out the door.
"I have no cat," I say.
And yet, amid the boxes in a crate is... a kitten. LURCH.
Lurch left all this crap here, and that kitten is CP's!!!! Bah. BAH! The chaos is overwhelming!
I call Dreaded Ex for a support call. He, in all his self-centered glory, has the cajones to be annoyed at me for being pissy. I did, you should know, tell about the heart issue, the ambulance, and the kitten, and the voodoo and the noise complaint. I even cried.
He says, "You are pissed about everything, Amanda."
Then DE... HANGS UP ON ME.
I call him back immediately, and hear this on the line..."LEAVE ME THE #$%^ ALONE AND STOP CALLING ME. BYE."
And I haven't heard from him since.
I feel your shock, your mouth is agog and you are thinking "How does a guy do that!? How can he be so cold?!"
It's a bad romance.

A word, if you will, dear world.

"Dear Love, I miss you much
I miss your smile and I miss your touch
But I found a place where I can erase my past
Maybe someday when you're old and gray
And your hair falls out and your tattoos fade
You might see me standing
Hat in hand

I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes

You built your rooms
You built your walls
You kept me outside of it all
I got tired of you
What's a girl to do
Maybe someday if we stay this way
And you see my face in a different place
You'll remember when
You're going to thank me then

I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes..."
Brandi Carlisle 

A refreshing and frightening wind is blowing through my mind and my world.
I have lost just about all a woman can lose this year. Two jobs. A long-term relationship. Financial wellness.
I even almost lost my beloved stepfather on the floor of my parents kitchen, and endured health scares all my own.
I have cried, screamed, wailed, and been indignant in the face of this turmoil. I have done everything except tell the world "NO."
That time has come.
I will not, world, accept your pitiful excuse for love and loyalty, your backhanded compliments and forgotten flowers.
I will not take what you give and ask for nothing, or be left in the dark waiting for you to pick me.
I will pick what I want, and treat it well once it's mine.
But I won't be left feeling taken advantage of, stolen from, or betrayed.
I will not accept whatever crap job you toss my way, like breadcrumbs for pigeons, and I sure as HELL will not be left off the team like I haven't earned my place here.
I won't look away when you challenge me, eye to eye, because I will know I am your equal.
I will command your attention with the glint in my eye and I will match you wit for wit.
You won't smack my butt to get my name, because my grace and stance won't allow it, and you surely won't, my dear world, take credit where none is due.
You will respect me, give me what I need, and do it with a smile, and never raise your voice to me.
You will court me, learn me, love me, and then maybe kiss me.
I will earn my keep and keep what I earn, losing little and gaining much as I stroll down my internal streets of gold.
You won't be able to knock me down, not with words, or neglect, or fists.
I will own me, building and maintaining a stunning wall of dignity that you can't penetrate with body or behavior.
I will choose my path and stick to it, wavering if I see fit, but never again letting you lead me astray down rocky roads and twisted streets of false hopes, two-way mirrors, and double entendre.
I will hold both of us to a high standard and expect us to meet it.

sometimes i am foolish.

like now, when though i am still deeply attached and deeply love my now-ex future husband, i am playing the field.
i am wasting time having my ego stroked and rebuilt, after being through the hardest and most important relationship of my life.
i am letting a new guy visit me, kiss me, get to know me, all the while knowing my full intention to work it out with my heartholder.
new guy is great--very zen, tattooed, passionate and very southern.
now ex is also great--smart, funny, handsome, and also very southern. my match in more ways than i can list, and yet greatest heartbreak of my life.
i am also foolish for not saving money.
for using my credit when i just run out of money.
not finding a job where i make more.
for somehow making it to almost 30 without a solid career path, husband, or home.
i mean, what the HELL am i doing?
being foolish.
i have a good education, multiple great listings on my resume, and am quite intelligent.
and yet...
clearly i am flighty in some capacity, as i can not seem to get all my shit totally together.
i see these girl-women, with years in the same job or career, with a home, savings, and a decent man by their side.
what the hell has happened to me that i am not in that same role?
am i a total nitwit? how has this gone so horribly wrong???
i look back, and i see a string of monogamous boyfriends... a college degree on time... an outgoing personality... a pretty face... the same weight and dress size for 15 years....
so where is the kink in my chain?
this, my loves, is where my thoughts keep going.
what have i done?

Day 14 of the new life

I went to therapy today. I also got my hair done.
After the ex decided to call me twice a day every day after he dumped me, professing his love and missing me crap for three days, I needed a fresh look.
I hadn't heard from him for three full days since the last time, and was sort of enjoying that.
But he has been out of town (where he called me from) for a week, so he is back in town tomorrow.
I have no desire to talk to him.
He left me a voicemail during my hair appointment today telling me that he "was headed back to Seattle, and just wanted me to know, and if I wanted to talk to him I could call him back, if not he would talk to me when he was back in town."
Ick.
I realized at my actual therapy appointment and at my hairapy appointment that he never made enough effort.
There were flashes, moments, glimpses of the guy he could be...
Times when I felt so absolutely loved and safe.
But in the day-to-day he could be pretty selfish, inconsiderate, and even hurtful.
He said he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone, but didn't show it regularly.
If he didn't want to talk, we didn't.
If he didn't like what I said, he shut me out.
If he wanted to go out alone and stay out really late, he did.
If he was drunk, forget it. Talk about true colors.
He never got the concept of a couple, and I wanted it so bad.
In the first days after the breakup I fantasized he would love me enough to come back a changed man. That he would see me as worth the effort.
Now I see that I want it all.
He isn't the guy to give it to me. Not even close.
So on I go.
Me and my shiny new hair.