Rewrite.

I often think about how I would have done some moment in my life differently, whether it is an overhaul completely, or just a minor change of words... Now that it is almost a new year, and I am on the cusp of --gulp-- 30 years old, this seems all the more relevant. I need to internally clear the air, and the best way for me to do it is here.

I have decided to rewrite a few moments in my life that I wish had happened differently...

1. I would not have had sex so young. I would have not let that peer pressure push my kind, sweet, vulnerable self to make a poor choice that had such deep impact. I have been coping with that path for years. Instead of that, I would have said, no, I am NOT ready. And that would have been OK, I bet. I bet no one would have cared any more or any less.

2. I would have studied harder, tried harder to be a better student. I was not a failing student by any means, but for a variety of reasons including being the first daughter of a Southern, divorced, hardworking mom, I didn't get the guidance I wish I had in terms of college and finance. I could have done far more with myself. I could have been so much further along in my career, and further along with the goals I would like to achieve. I am working on being more dedicated to what is in front of me.

3. I would not have let my most recent ex call me an ugly word more than once, and I would not have allowed myself to be lesser than anyone. I should have walked away. I should not have given so much more than I received, over and over. I would have known my worth and valued myself enough to turn away and still know there was deserving man out there waiting on me.

4. I would have not made the safe choice to go to an in-state school, but instead gone to a city far away, studied abroad, and been more independent earlier. I have a curious, deeply inquisitive core and I would have been so happy if I had just stepped out of my comfort zone and trusted that my life would fall into place even if I left it for a minute. I can still take risks in my life, and I plan to be more selfish in this way. My life shouldn't be based on what I think others want from me, or want me to do.

5. I would not have chased my father for love. He is my father, whether or not my parents were divorced or he was in medical school far away. He should make the effort for me. If he didn't find true and necessary value in me, that has nothing to do with me. I have nothing to prove. I am his child, not a random person. Love and attention should be unconditional. Because of the way he acted toward me, I have been chasing every. single. man. Done and done. This one I can work on now. This one I can change now.

6. I would not have drank too much alcohol and lost control of my manners at times. Not too much detail needed, but there are definitely moments where I still feel ashamed. I don't plan on ever having another one.

7. I would know that I can trust my gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is. If I think it is love, it might very damn well be. So I am going to trust my instincts.

I know I can't go back in time, I cannot undo what I have done, or what has been done to me. I can only try to move forward and make actual choices. Not let choices be made for me, simply because I don't trust myself to choose.

Could it be true?

I finally found him, I think.
All these years of selfish, thoughtless, hurtful guys, and suddenly here he is.
I met him on a playful Halloween night... we slowly became friends, and now we are so much more.
Smart as a whip, funny, loves music and art, loves to travel and learn.
He thinks I am a gift.
He adores my presence and fulfills what he says.
To add to it, he is a lovely goldenish red-haired, tattooed, athletic beautiful man.
I don't know how to handle this level of awesome from a guy.
But I am going to try like hell to learn to love it.

And like usual, I am proven wrong in my cynicism. Thank God.

I woke up to my brother calling, then telling my mom he woke me up and telling her to call me.
She calls and sings to me...
"A turkey sat on a backyard fence and sang a sad, sad song...
Thanksgiving Day is coming, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,
And I know I'll be eaten soooo-ooo-ooo-ooon!
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
I would like to run awa-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.
I don't like Thanksgiving Da-a-ay!"
I love that woman. She makes me giggle.
Then, up, walk and feed dog, veg, go to work at 12...
Worked all day in the dog daycare giving extra lurve to the dogs because they are all stuck here for the holiday.
After a full day of work, one of my most delightful coworker/friends came all the way from the suburbs to bring me a plate of her Thanksgiving dinner with family.
How. Thoughtful.
Unbelievable.
Just because she knows I am without loved ones.
And then, it was really Thanksgiving.
Thanks Shannon. Thanks dogs.
Happy Thanksgiving.

'Twas Thanksgiving Eve, and all through the town...

It is almost my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. You know the one where you see family, eat amazing family recipes, and get hugs?
I spent last year with my ex's family, and then we saw mine, so that was fine.
This year, I will be alone here in New Orleans, and working. Because my family is far away, because I work in retail, because Dreaded Ex and I aren't together, so his family isn't mine to share.
Now, this ain't no pity party, so don't go there. I am introspective, self-aware, weirdly calm.
It is a learning experience.
One I don't plan to repeat.
I am so blue not to see all my cousins and my cousins' children, to miss out on the leaves turning and falling in North Georgia, to not help my mom defrost frozen broccoli for her famous and adored broccoli casserole.
To not say a prayer of thanks while holding the same hands I have held since I was just a little girl, in a circle of grace with my kinfolk.
There won't be late evening card games and stolen pumpkin pie for me, just another lonely night in New Orleans with my wonderful companion Roux the dog.
I am certain that this holiday season won't go easy, that I will shed a tear or ten.
It is different being far from loved ones when you have a significant other. I spent the last two holiday seasons with him, another reason this will be tough.
This was a hard year, no lie. Many things have happened to rattle, jar, and wound me.
I almost can't wait for the clock to change to 2010.
But for now, I will work, and wait to see the ones I love again. I can't make time move faster.
I will help my customers as they rush in and out on their way to better places, and I will make my plans for the time when I am home again, for good.
And I will have this to hold on to: It will never be this bad again.

Watch it, I bite.

It is so annoying to feel so annoyed!
I wish I was hopeful or joyous or pleased about one big thing in life, whether it is a great relationship, a great job, or a great new home.
I am so transitional right now that all I want to do is be Surls McGee.
Queen Cranky of the Pissy Brigade.
I am headed home to my friends, family, and very happy to be doing that, but it will only last a few days...
then back to my reality here.
The one that makes me so damn irritable.
I need a helping hand to get back on track, but there is no one but me to really rely on.
And I am not feeling too strong right now...

A bad romance...

Lady Gaga says it best...
"I want your love and I want your revenge.You and me could write a bad romance..."
After the absolute JOKE that is this last end of all the ends, I am riled up and ready to jump out of my skin.
I want it all, which I think it totally fine. Life is more chaotic than even I, taker of all kinds of weird, can handle.
The Dreaded Ex has gone completely missing after a week of silence.

Let me preface this section with: I live with a crazy person.
After DE and I broke up, I moved quite quickly into a new place with a girl that has two dogs.
Seemed ideal...like most doomed things do.
She has a fiance/ex fiance/boyfriend/ex boyfriend/crazy person she is with...let's call him Lurch.
So, CrazyPills and Lurch have been falling apart for a while, before I even lived with her.
Lurch, in all his Lurchiness, decides it is a WONDERFUL idea to come our house at 3:45 a.m. CST about 3 weeks ago, and bang on the SIDE OF THE HOUSE, calling her names that I won't lower myself to print and demanding his "$12,000 ring" back.
He finally leaves, leaving in his wake a very chapped me with my freaked out vibrating dog, as well as CP who is shocked into what once might call, momentary catatonic silence. I mention restraining orders.
Five minutes later, the doorbell rings. Oh, HELLO, NOPD.
The NOPD have been called on a noise complaint thanks to that moron Lurch, but their main concern is that my little 43-lb mutt is too close, so they threaten to TASE HIM. Like you do, when you see a small, sniffy dog on his owner's porch. And you have a gun. And he isn't barking. But I digress.
So this happens.
Two days later, they are on the phone screaming at about 11:00 p.m., and I finally hear CP hang up and go into the bathroom.
I quietly walk out for a glass of water...and surprise!
VOODOO RITUAL IN THE LIVING ROOM...complete with white candles and a doll.
I ran back into my room and prayed to my dear baby Jesus.
So, at this point I am thinking, perhaps I need to find a new home...one for me and Roux alone...
Meanwhile, Dreaded Ex has been trying to prove his love and worth to me, be there for me, etc...and has gone to Chicago for business.
This week was week two of him being gone, and he came back Thursday night. Or so I think. Who really knows.
So, let's jump back to Sunday to clarify.
I ran errands in the morning sunshine, groceries and pet store, as it was my only day off, and came home to a porch covered in boxes...I figured CP was cleaning...what a nice change.
Walked into the house, put my groceries down, and went to put my comforter in the wash. You know, adult responsible behaviors we are forced to do on our days off instead of swinging on swings and reading in trees.
And in the moment I lifted the comforter into the wash, my heart went -------- BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!!!!!!!! Loud and fast and intense and hard and too much and I can't breathe right and I am shaking and tunneling out...
921, 941, 911! Got it.
Calling. Ringing. Answering. "New Orleans Emergency Services, what is your emergency?"
"I am experiencing extreme tachycardia, I am 29 years old, have taken no illicit substances, no alcohol, no caffeine, I have Mitral Valve Prolapse and anxiety disorder and I need someone to come here right now."
"Address please ma'am"
"**** State Street" (is that my address I can't remember OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO DIE ON MY FLOOR)
"Repeat to confirm"
"**** State Street" (that IS my address, oh please, oh please heart don't do this to me now please God please)
"Phone number please"
"404-***-****" (that is NOT my phone number they will never find me i will die on the damn floor without my momma)
"Repeat to confirm"
"404-***-****" (ok that is my number calm down amanda just breathe just keep breathing)
I start coughing and crying, flexing my stomach and forcing slow breaths doing all the Valsalva manuevers I can muster and remember and nothing is working...
"Ma'am I need you to sit down, don't eat and don't drink anything. They are on the way."
I sit. I breathe. She makes me count my beats...
"Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelve..."
(That is about 197 beats per minute. My normal rate is about 80. We are talking serious business here.)
That rate is fast enough to set it to wiggling and shaking, then STOPPING. Like when a person does cocaine, and dies just as high as a kite. Same essential issue. Too fast to work.
Firemen at the door, dog put up, me on couch.
Blood pressure cuff on, big hands on my wrists, calming male tones in my ears, tears on my face.
Days later (or just minutes no idea) ambulance. Heart monitor on my chest, its plastic nodules digging into my skin in eight places.
I am fine at this point, as these episodes, though years apart for me and drawn out by extreme stress, last only minutes.
Though it feels like days of my life have passed, it has only been 15 minutes since I put the laundry in. My spinach is wilting on the kitchen floor. The dog is still barking in my room "Who is here? Who is here?"
The lovely and helpful paramedics then notice a cat on the porch on their way out the door.
"I have no cat," I say.
And yet, amid the boxes in a crate is... a kitten. LURCH.
Lurch left all this crap here, and that kitten is CP's!!!! Bah. BAH! The chaos is overwhelming!
I call Dreaded Ex for a support call. He, in all his self-centered glory, has the cajones to be annoyed at me for being pissy. I did, you should know, tell about the heart issue, the ambulance, and the kitten, and the voodoo and the noise complaint. I even cried.
He says, "You are pissed about everything, Amanda."
Then DE... HANGS UP ON ME.
I call him back immediately, and hear this on the line..."LEAVE ME THE #$%^ ALONE AND STOP CALLING ME. BYE."
And I haven't heard from him since.
I feel your shock, your mouth is agog and you are thinking "How does a guy do that!? How can he be so cold?!"
It's a bad romance.

A word, if you will, dear world.

I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes..."
Brandi Carlisle 

A refreshing and frightening wind is blowing through my mind and my world.
I have lost just about all a woman can lose this year. Two jobs. A long-term relationship. Financial wellness.
I even almost lost my beloved stepfather on the floor of my parent's kitchen, and endured health scares all my own.
I have cried, screamed, wailed, and been indignant in the face of this turmoil. I have done everything except tell the world "NO."
That time has come.
I will not, world, accept your pitiful excuse for love and loyalty, your backhanded compliments and forgotten flowers.
I will not take what you give and ask for nothing, or be left in the dark waiting for you to pick me.
I will pick what I want, and treat it well once it's mine.
But I won't be left feeling taken advantage of, stolen from, or betrayed.
I will not accept whatever crap job you toss my way, like breadcrumbs for pigeons, and I sure as HELL will not be left off the team like I haven't earned my place here.
I won't look away when you challenge me, eye to eye, because I will know I am your equal.
I will command your attention with the glint in my eye and I will match you wit for wit.
My grace and stance won't allow your poor behavior, and you surely won't, my dear world, take credit where none is due.
You will respect me, give me what I need, and do it with a smile, and never raise your voice to me.
You will court me, learn me, love me, and then maybe kiss me.
I will earn my keep and keep what I earn, losing little and gaining much as I stroll down my internal streets of gold.
You won't be able to knock me down, not with words, or neglect, or fists.
I will own me, building and maintaining a stunning wall of dignity that you can't penetrate with body or behavior.
I will choose my path and stick to it, wavering if I see fit, but never again letting you lead me astray down rocky roads and twisted streets of false hopes, two-way mirrors, and double entendre.
I will hold both of us to a high standard and expect us to meet it.